Top 25 WORST Movies of 2017
Oh 2017. You were a fun and odd year for movies. There have been some good and some bad and some just friggin odd. But today, I am here to give you what I considered the absolute WORSE movies of 2017. Like these movies have gone from being bad pieces of crap to actual endurance tests that made me question why do I have this website in the first place. So lets get down to the nitty gritty.
25) The Space Between Us
Don’t let screenwriter Allan Joeb get anywhere near a typewriter because the end product to one of his screenplays will be a fantastic mess. This is another one of those cases. This shit was lucky that it wasn’t released in 2016 because it would’ve been made my worst of then.
24) THE CIRCLE
TECHNOLOGY IS BAD! You could've just said that to the screen and been on your way, but nope this near two-hour pandering “thriller?” had to take the long and incredibly stupid way to express that. What hurts the most is that its some of the hottest actors of our time starring in this: Emma Watson, Tom Hanks, and John Boyega. Its all rather depressing to see them all wasted in a book adaptation that is a whole lotta bullshit. Just go watch “Black Mirror.”
23) Pitch Perfect 3
There is no reason for this movie to exist. The second film was a sweet farewell to the Bellas but “Pitch Perfect 3” is another excuse to have the same cast show up in a movie where they all just go through the motions to get paid. The musical numbers aren’t impressive, the filmmaking is lazy, and the story is STUPID! In a movie about acapella, THERE SHOULD NOT BE A SPY CAPER SUBPLOT SHOVED IN HERE! Whatever integrity that made the first film amazing is destroyed here to the point that I wished I’ve ever seen the first move in the first place. Aca-Kill this franchise once and all, please.
22) A Bad Mom’s Christmas
Out of both Christmas sequel cash grabs that were released this year, “A Bad Mom’s Christmas” is as shallow and repetitious you can get for a sequel. I laughed in “Daddy’s Home 2.” I barely got any chuckles with this. There are so many transitions of characters frolicking in slow motion which is not even close to being as funny as that one scene in the first. The characters all have no soul and most of all THERE IS BARELY A SCRIPT! Nobody asked for “A Bad Moms Christmas.” but we got one anyway.
21) Baywatch
Just because "21 Jump Street" can be a funny R-rated comedy doesn’t mean you should try to be too. It features a fun cast who can bounce off of each other, but the script is just so unfunny and lazy that it's a total beach to sit through.
You sigh at that beach pun, but that's how most of the humor would have you going while viewing this.
20) 47 Meters Down
Whoever let this intended to VOD creature feature that should've been on SYFY sneak its way to the big screen is a total asshole.
19) Suburbicon
TOO MANY COOKS! TOOOO MANY COOKS! I didn’t review this but let me say I will not let a Coen brothers trailer trick me again. The trailer had the movie to look like a social commentary on how perfect suburban neighborhoods can be bad. What do we get? A ridiculously stupid mafia story which is muddled under a forced racial prejudice message just because it takes place during the 50s. So by when the two storylines are supposed to connect, it is both forced and makes little to no sense. This was a massive disappointment for me.
18) Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
Hey Luc Besson if you’re to make a sci-fi epic, next time cast two people who can both ACT and deliver CHEMISTRY! The action is fun but GOD YOUR LEADS ARE FUCKING TERRIBLE! DANE DEHAAN AND CARA DELEVINGNE CAN’T ACT TO SAVE THEIR LIES! If the only person in your cast that can make me feel emotion is Rihanna, then you have so many things to work on buddy.
17) Sleepless
If you thought “Ghost in the Shell” was terrible, then you most likely haven’t seen “Sleepless” which is a race reversal remake of a beloved French thriller. “Sleepless” is so dull and unexciting as an action thriller that you can tell the majority of the cast did not want to be there. But the only person who made it somewhat entertaining was this guy:
David Harbour is a natural treasure and needs to be protected by all costs.
16) Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long Haul
#NotMyReboot. Ask me how many times I laughed in this so-called comedy….ONCE. 20th Century Fox took something from my childhood that I loved (even though looking back on it now they weren’t all that great), and forced an unwanted reboot as a cash grab on families. Seriously, they released it on the same day as their other release, “Alien Covenant.” THEY WERE IN COMPETITION WITH THEMSELVES! It's not like I was expecting much from this and what I got was everything I expected: bland family entertainment filled with bottom of the barrel potty humor from beginning to end.
15) Tulip Fever/ Leap -
I have not seen these two films, but just the sheer releases of these movies pissed me off. Yes, these two movies were the last two theatrical releases from The Weinstein Company before the Harvey Weinstein scandal broke out. But before I hated Weinstein for being a rapist, I hated Harvey Weinstein for his business moves and how he would treat some of this movies. “Tulip Fever,” and “Leap” are the most prime examples for the reason why. The Weinstein Company loved to play this stupid game called the delay game where they would shelve a movie and keep pushing it back until its convent for them to release. One of their most infamous cases was “Hoodwinked Too” where it was supposed to come out in 2010 but got pushed back for an entire year while there were Burger King commercials that promoted the movie that aired in 2010. So “Tulip Fever” was supposed to come out in 2015, then in 2016, then early 2017, then later August, and then FINALLY on September 1st. AND WHAT WOULD YOU KNOW? NOBODY LIKED IT NOR SAW IT!
The same thing goes for Leap which and for some reason three voices were replaced by Nat Wolff, Mel Brooks, and Kate McKinnon (who voiced three different characters). That was supposed to come out in March then April and then at the last second was pushed all the way to AUGUST TWICE! SO WITHIN 7 DAYS, TWO WEINSTEIN FILMS CAME OUT, AND NOBODY LIKED THEM OR SAW THEM! Fuck The Weinstein Company, fuck Harvey Weinstein, and fuck these two movies.
14) The Bye Bye Man
I’m a 12-year-old kid in desperation to have a cheap thrill in the month of January. As if 2016 didn’t have enough original horror films I can watch at home, I rather go for the low hanging fruit. If I had a box to throw all these generically dumb horror movies into, I would let this sit with films such as “The Devil’s Inside,” “Texas Chainsaw 3D,” “Devil's Due,” “The Boy,” and so many other January horror releases. They’re all bleeding into each other for me now that these movies are like clockwork.
13) The Snowman
I love this movie. As much as everyone hates this or get angry over it, this is one of those movies that is so bad that I personally love because I laughed my ass off through this and had a great time. “The Snowman” is an incomplete mess of a movie that makes little to no sense that I just can’t help to admire how Universal Pictures had the audacity to distribute this atrocity.
Harry Hole. I’m still laughing at that name.
12) The Dark Tower
It’s sad to know that if I ever get into a conversation with someone who loved this book series they would have to defend their love because of this movie. Everything that I hate in a big action blockbuster exists in this movie. This features terrible editing, noticeable ADR work, oh and features no substance of story at all. Its called “The Dark Tower” but there is no DARK TOWER! Fuck Akiva Goldsman who is one of the writers and producers on this.
Oh, you’re going to see his name several times on this list.
11) Father Figures
The only time I laughed in this lifeless excuse for comedy was during an out of context exchange between me and an audience member for we began imitating Owen Wilson by going “OH WOW,” for two minutes straight. If this were released in January as it was originally intended for, it wouldn’t have made my #11. But since Warner Bros. decided to move it to Christmas for financial purposes, they get nothing but my rage. Then again, they saved “Paddington 2” from The Weinstein Company so I can't be that mad?
10) The Mummy
Awwww Universal. You were this desperate for own cinematic universe, weren’t you? You dumbasses. You own “Fast & Furious,” “Jurassic World,” and “Despicable Me” which are like your highest grossing franchises that are taking Hollywood by storm. BESIDES MONEY, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU WANT A CINEMATIC UNIVERSE IN THE FIRST PLACE?! You don’t own any comic book rights. You don’t even need to when you have Minions, fast cars, and dinosaurs. This near two hour commercial for future films in the most likely now dead “Dark Universe” doesn’t work as either a reboot, a fun action blockbuster, or a start to kick off a bigger franchise. But hey at least we have nice picture with Tom Cruise, Javier Bardem, Russell Crowe, Angelina Jolie, and Johnny Depp for no goddamn reason.
9) King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
Did anybody give a shit about a King Arthur movie? No. Did anyone want a Sherlock Holmes-esque King Arthur movie because Guy Ritchie only knows one style of filmmaking that it has become gimmicky? HELL NO!
Who produced this shit? AKIVA GOLDSMAN! God, I hate this dude.
8) Unforgettable
Because if Warner Bros stealing the flame of "21 Jump Street" from Sony wasn’t bad enough, they did a double tap with their film “Obsessed.” At least “Obsessed” was entertaining and had intensity, but “Unforgettable” is just one stupid character decision after the next when you know that everything about this situation could be resolved in a matter of 20 minutes. But no you had to prolong this and to add insult to injury your final minute tries to set up a sequel, and I know good, and goddamn well you’re not going to have a clue what to do with that at all.
Another reason this terrible “erotic thriller” is high on this list is because of a personal situation that occurred of this movie where it taught me a valuable lesson of never becoming a freelancer to anyone ever again. But that's a story for another day.
7) Fifty Shades Darker
I was probably the only heterosexual guy in the theater who wasn’t a pervert (I say this because there was a Mexican guy who clapped after every sex scene) in a theater full of women and holy shit I wanted to die in there. I was with friends when I saw the first “Fifty Shades” and it was fun trashing on it with others, BUT THE MAJORITY OF THEM ARE DEAD (to me) SO SEEING IT ON MY OWN WAS TORTUROUS!
“Fifty Shades Darker” doubles down on the stupidity, the lack of story, and terrible performances that it sort of made me wish I was watching the predecessor again. At least with “Fifty Shades of Grey,” there was direction and artistry with everything that was displayed onscreen. The content was garbage, but it was at least polished and pretty to look at several times. NONE OF THAT IS IN THIS! Everything was filmed so flat and bland that it compensated with everything this film had to offer; Nothing.
6) CHIPs
DAX SHEPARD IS NO PHIL LORD AND CHRISTOPHER MILLER! If you ever wanted to see a buddy cop comedy that lacks both the buddy and the comedy then you sir have a perfect film right here. Or you can watch “Cop Out” (y’know that shitty Kevin Smith film that had Tracy Morgan and Bruce Willis). What made this significantly worse was that this was based off a family show from the 70s that got the unapologetic R-rated comedy adaptation so WB can cash in on Sony’s “21 Jump Street” money. The humor is so bad and out of touch with today that you can feel the desperation for laughs every single moment a joke is set up. I only got around to four to seven chuckles but they were out of pity, and none came from the leads.
5 ) All Eyez on Me
I’ve never been so attracted to an exit door so bad in my life until I saw this. Yeah, this is the biopic 50 cent trashed on and the one Jada Pinkett came out saying a lot of the elements involving her weren’t real at all. This is the movie that made me so mad solely for the fact that everyone who worked on this did not give a fuck. Nobody here gave a shit about telling a decent life story of Tupac because it lacked focus, had cheap production (every performance scene is shot on the same stage but just remodeled), and the acting was God awful.
Yeah, you can cast someone looks like Tupac but don’t roll the camera before giving him acting lessons. Seriously, if you don’t have the rights to someone’s music and they’re the topic of your movie, then don’t make that fucking movie. All you’re doing is tricking your demographic who would swallow anything to see your lame ass excuse for a film and the worst part is, this is a 2 hour and 20-minute feature that moves so slow and feels like they based the script off of his Wikipedia page. Summit Entertainment was so desperate for their own “Straight Outta Compton” knockoff that they looked for Tupac to use it for when we all know HE DIDN’T DESERVE A MOVIE AS TERRIBLE AS THIS!
But that’s just the way it is.
4) The Emoji Movie
This, not a movie. I refuse to call this a movie. This is an animated abortion if I’ve ever seen one. Just the sheer existence of this movie isn’t only infuriating but also having to say its name out loud just pisses me off and so does the movie itself. There is absolutely no entertainment value with this “feature film” due to it's over commercialized “plot” revolving around different apps that we use on an everyday basis as either set pieces or deus ex machinas for a message that is done much better in other similar films that have actual meaning and value. “The Emoji Movie” is an animator's worst nightmare because you know that somewhere down the line this exists on a timeline of animation history. Like we could list off every entry of CG feature-length animation starting from “Toy Story” and just to think how groundbreaking that was only for something like “The Emoji Movie” to exist 22 years down the line.
Sony Pictures Animation. From the bottom of my heart:
The only reason this doesn’t take a higher spot is because of ONE REASON.
A song called “Good Vibrations” by Ricky Reed. It's sad to know such a great talent was wasted to provide a song for this shit product, but yet it was kind of my happy anthem of 2017. So if there is anything I’m thankful for “The Emoji Movie” to have, it's that song.
MOVIES THAT GOT LUCKY THEY DIDN’T SHOW UP HERE
- Downsizing
- Rough Night
- The Star
- xXx: The Return of Xander Cage
- A Cure For Wellness
- The Great Wall
- Wilson
- Ghost in the Shell
- The Hitman’s Bodyguard
- Home Again
- Wonder Wheel
- Roman J. Isreal Esq
THESE LAST THREE MOVIES WERE ACTUAL ENDURANCE TESTS THAN THEATER EXPERIENCES!
3) Song to Song
This was a movie that made me question what am I doing here? Why am I in this theater watching Fassbender, Gosling, Mara, Portman, and Blanchett in exotic locations frolicking and looking sexy while doing sexy things? Oh yeah because it's directed by Terrence friggin Malick. It hurts to say I now have to explain how there was a time where Malick used to tell stories with his films but here you have a two-hour vacation home video with A-list celebrities having the time of their life on camera.
What angers me the most about this is knowing that there are currently some people who would go out of their way to defend this movie by describing it as a beautiful work of art that dives into some psychological bullshit. But I know that they are only doing this because they won’t accept the fact that Malick has officially become a hack filmmaker. If you try to defend this movie to me, I’ll gladly tell you to fuck off because you are a pretentious hipster piece of shit that likes garbage cinema like this. If you say I didn’t get it, then I’ll respond, I don’t care. I hate Terrence Malick, and there's nothing you can do about it.
2) Boo 2! A Madea Halloween
All I have to do is explain what this movie is and it's self-explanatory onto why it's on this list. “Boo 2! A Madea Halloween" is a sequel to a film that was based off a joke Chris Rock made in his own movie “Top Five.” Yeah, its that sad. There is no actual story or character development or any quality filmmaking presented in this at all. The humor is just a loop of the same seven jokes repeated over and over, and all of the characters are grating and annoyingly unfunny.
And yet, fucking Black people went out of their way to see this unfunny bullshit in a theater regardless because unfortunately, we don’t know any better. It is now officially a stereotype people associate black people with alongside stuff such as fried chicken and watermelon.
OPEN YOUR EYES PEOPLE! TYLER PERRY IS CHEATING YOU OUT OF YOUR MONEY FOR HIS OWN FINANCIAL GAIN! After a certain point, we should be mature as a culture and not contribute to this man’s foolishness that Lionsgate willingly distributes theatrically so they can earn some money. We shouldn’t wait for Perry to either announce his retirement as Madea or him to be in his grave for us to stop receiving these movies that he’s clearly shitting out.
1) Transformers: The Last Knight
Now this was something I actually walked out of and demanded my money back for because no movie should have Sir Anthony Hopkins in a car next to a robot who starts singing “Move bitch get out the way.” But unfortunately, I was already halfway through the movie at that point which meant the showing was nonrefundable. The only reason I saw this was because,
- Review.
- I had a 3-hour break from work.
- I had nothing to do.
This latest installment of the Transformers franchise isn’t only more of the same but more of the less competent. The editing is atrocious all across the board; the acting is horrendous, the writing MAKES NO SENSE! And most of all it makes every moviegoer who was once a Transformers fan as a kid, give up on their childhood. Why? It is because Michael Bay doesn’t give a fuck about his audience.
If one of the most critical pieces of information is how Transformers existed since the dawn of time to help out during WWII, medieval times, and figures such as FREDRICK DOUGLASS AND HARRIET TUBMAN, then you know you have a film that doesn’t care about anything at all. If there is one franchise, I just want dead with bone in my body it's the Transformers movies. I will willingly sell my soul in store for these movies to be nonexistent.
Wait who did the story on this? AKIVA GOLDSMAN?! FUCK YOU MAN! GODDAMNIT! HOW DID YOUR NAME END UP ON EVERY PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE OF 2017?!
BUT HEY WE’RE GETTING A BUMBLEBEE MOVIE THIS CHRISTMAS SO THAT’LL BE FUN RIGHT.
The torture continues.
There you have it! That was my top 25 worst movies of 2017. What do you think of my choices? Do you agree? Disagree? Tell me what should've put on here in the comment box below.
